The ball was finally rolling on the divorce.
Now we had to write the user manual for what came next.
My attorney, Claire, emailed me after speaking with opposing counsel. Both sides wanted to settle, but mediation was approaching, and opposing counsel still hadn’t gotten around to drafting the parenting plan.
Claire was frustrated. Why had they been dragging their feet this entire time?
I was wondering the same thing.
Although, to be fair, my wife had her hands full with a baby who wasn’t even a year old.
Claire volunteered to draft the agreement herself. Meanwhile, I was feeding her a strategy I'd been working out with ChatGPT.
There was a strategic advantage:
“It gives us more control over the language.”
Language.
That was what my marriage had become.
Not reconciliation. Not closure. Not some final conversation where two people acknowledged what had happened between them.
Just paperwork.
Parenting Plan. Child Support Worksheet. Settlement Agreement. Soberlink provisions. House equity. Bank accounts. Mortgage obligations.
My marriage was being converted into terms and conditions.
And I immediately started negotiating.
Claire wanted to know how long I’d be willing to offer Soberlink, a remote alcohol-monitoring system, if we couldn’t eliminate it altogether.
Are you fucking serious?
My angry text rant from before was already being used against me.
Guilty until proven innocent.
At least that’s how it felt.
Three months? Six?
My wife might counter with something longer. Potentially up to a year.
I chose three months.
Start at the bottom of the range. Leave room to negotiate.
Child support came in at a little over $1,000 a month, based on both of us earning roughly the same amount.
Fine.
We’d split the joint account 50/50.
Fine.
My wife would keep the house, provided she could refinance or otherwise remove me from the mortgage.
Fine. Especially if it meant keeping my retirement accounts out of the negotiations.
But I’d put $20,000 down before we got married. Could I recover that premarital contribution? What about the appreciation? How exactly would the equity be calculated?
And while we were at it, how the hell was I supposed to retrieve my car title and registration from the house when we weren’t even speaking?
